Books: Extract From Pens Behaving Badly By Paige Nick

July 19, 2015

Seeing Double At The Movies


So, how do you feel about pornography? Are you for it, against it or indifferent? Sorry, but I  have been writing this column for almost a year already; you had to know we were going to get to pornography eventually.

Me,  I’m  somewhere  in-between  “for  it”  and  “indifferent”. As with all things in life,it has its time and place.But whether you’re a fan, with your own vast home collection,or violently against it, you do have to appreciate the sheer artistry of it. The deep plots, the lavish sets, the clever dialogue.

But seriously, there is one form of porn that I do have great respect for. I’m talking about those adult flicks that are takes on popular Hollywood blockbusters. They really crack me up. They take a movie that’s already been successful, and then rip it off in a pornographic way. It’s genius, right?

The only downside is that the Hollywood blockbuster can prove a bit  of a spoiler for the pornographic version of the movie. And nobody likes a spoiler. Take the porno version of the classic blockbuster,Titanic,that they (re)made in Pornowood. It’s called BiTanic. If  you’ve seen the original Hollywood version (or ever read a history book), then you’ll probably go into the movie knowing that the ship sinks in the end and just about everybody dies. But the bit you don’t know is that, according to the BiTanic synopsis on the internet (warning, spoiler alert), the captain has sex with lots of people before the ship goes down. So, spoiler on the big plot points, but all sorts of fresh twists and turns that you weren’t expecting along the way. How could it not be a box orifice hit?

Some of the other familiar movies you’ll find out of Pornowood include that classic, ThrobinHood – Prince of  Beaves. Wherein the hero steals from the rich and sleeps with the poor. And there’s also that old favourite, Saturday Night Beaver. Or  if you’re looking for something with a little more suspense, there’s Twin Cheeks. According to the reviews, it’s just as surreal as the original, Twin Peaks. Which, by the way, could have actually served as the original movie title and the porno title, too. Impressive work, David Lynch.

And while I’m sure Charles Dickens would have loved to hear that his books are still alive 141 years after his death, and have all been made into movies, I’m not sure that A Tale of Two Titties is quite what he had in mind.

The list is endless: Womb Raider, Spankenstein, The Long Ranger and On Golden Blonde must have all featured at the AVN Awards, the Oscars of porn, held annually in Vegas.

You can be pretty sure that where there is a blockbuster, there is its pornographic doppelganger. Even popular TV series aren’t safe, what with The SoPornos, which looks like a rather graphic tale of a mafia familia that’s altogether too familiar.

You have to wonder who’s coming up with these titles, and what it says on their business card? Porno Title Comer Upper. Nah, that seems too obvious.

There’s even a version of Terminator, retitled The Penatrator, and instead of saying “I’ll be back” he says: “I’ll come again”. Forget Dolby, HD and stereo, this one is in Sexascope.

And no film buff’s collection would be complete without the classic, Muffy The Vampire Layer. And starring Tom Cruiser, there’s Missionary Position Impossible. I promise I’m not making this up – on the movie poster it gets “Two Things Up!”

What do you mean, you haven’t seen any of them? And you call yourself a movie buff!


Extract published by permission of NB Publishers.