Big Bully: An Epidemic of Unkindness by Marion Scher is published by Bookstorm and available now. This extract is published by permission.
A different world
In early 2022, Alison Gray, deputy principal of Westerford High School, granted me a singular opportunity: to spend time with a group of their students, between the ages of 13 and 17, who volunteered to speak freely to me about their feelings and experiences of social media and the pressures it brings. One 16-year-old young man freely admitted to having posted “mean things” about one of his peers to a friend, who, without his knowledge, reposted this on with dire consequences. “Before I even realised what had happened this post had spread like wildfire, and it didn’t take long before I was the one receiving hate mail and messages telling me to kill myself. I immediately realised that what I’d written was really wrong and stupid, and even though I tried to fix it, it was way too late. It was one thing saying something hateful online, but quite another when you see what other people can do with that.
“At school I was completely ostracised by my group of friends and it was a really difficult time for me. But I realised that I’d done this to myself, and that there was no such thing as just sending a stupid message without thinking about it first. About the damage and harm you could do with your words.”
A 16-year-old girl, particularly wise for her age, commented on how important it was that parents should be educated before their child is allowed on social media apps. This was a constant theme throughout my research on this chapter.
Another 14-year-old girl described how one of her best friends called her after she had been attacked for sticking up for someone else on social media. Once again, the phrase “you should just kill yourself” was bandied about, which seems to be a trend all on its own in these situations. “By the time she called me she was in a bad way, and said she thinks maybe she should kill herself. I was speechless and didn’t really know what to do, but knew I had to keep her talking and try and convince her not to do this. When we stopped talking I felt she had calmed down but I couldn’t stop thinking, what if she did something? And although I promised her I wouldn’t, I told my parents. Even they didn’t know how to solve this but they did get hold of her parents, who in turn contacted the school. The next day at school the situation had calmed down and those involved were censured.” But, you could ask, what would have happened if this girl had taken her own life, which we know does happen – and what punishments fit such an incident?
According to this group of students, punishment over this type of bullying is very unclear. There is suspension or even expulsion from school, but the process is far from perfect right now. As many of them suggested, education and counselling would be better for the culprits. “No one really knows what to do in these circumstances but surely if we were taught how dangerous words and photos can be, and what it can do to the person involved, this would be more useful than suspending someone? Just suspending them, especially if they’re a bully anyway, won’t stop them doing it again,” said the 14-year-old girl.
These young people had volunteered to talk to me, but I noticed one rather shy girl who was almost reluctant to talk in front of the others, and when she did it was with her head not quite up. She eventually spoke, saying, “When one of your friends texts mean stuff about another person, it’s really hard not to agree with that. I don’t want to ruin the friendship, so in most cases I just go along with it as I want to appear cool. It’s much easier to agree than disagree…” After speaking her head dropped down again, looking at the desk rather than up at me.
I knew she realised what she had said was wrong, but also massively feared being thought of as not being cool.
Another rather mature-sounding student of 16 told the story of how an older friend of hers, who used to “randomly accept anyone on her Instagram account”, ended up with a situation she could never have foreseen. “Using her photo, someone created a fake Instagram profile, swapping her head for that of a pig and an elephant, saying she should lose weight and that no one could love her. They also said she should kill herself and more. She phoned me sobbing, and although I didn’t really know what to do I just kept her on the line, talking until I heard her fall asleep. She felt better the next day and started speaking about it, as well as deleting her Instagram account.”
It’s hard to listen to these young people, who seem to accept online harassment and startling hatred as almost normal. One 15-year-old summed it up perfectly: “I like to sing and perform, and my friends video this and I post it. What will people comment on? Not that they liked the music, but rather that I missed a note or my voice cracked at one point. People love to point out all the faults but I know that by putting myself out there, I can expect that.”
I also asked this group what age they thought it was acceptable for children to be on social media and the consensus clearly was that, although they thought this should be from age 13, they also felt children and parents should be educated around the issues first. One said, “Before you even go on any social media, there should be a lot of educating from parents. There needs to be conversation around cyberbullying and situations around paedophiles and clicking on unknown links. Obviously parents would need to be educated themselves around these things to be able to make it safe for their kids.”
Before you start judging parents, think of the immense pressure of knowing what your children are up to 24 hours a day. They’re in their room doing homework or playing soccer, or hockey, or at swimming practice… But during all these times, they can just as easily be on their electronic devices.
“It’s really very addictive,” admitted one of the matric boys in the group. “You know it’s there on your phone and sometimes I literally tell myself no, I need to focus on my school work or my family. I have thoughts of temporarily deleting or even disabling my accounts, but then I think, just let me check one more time, just for five minutes. Three hours later I’m still on it!
“There’s always someone sexting, showing photos of people you know. We’re told if someone sends you this, don’t answer, just turn your phone off. Which is all very well, but what about when you come face to face with the person in the photo the next day? What do you do, what do you say in this situation? And if they don’t know, it’s even worse. So far I haven’t been given any advice on what to do in that situation, whether it’s happening to you or someone else.”
One of the other matric girls in the group is nodding firmly as her fellow student speaks. “I think the worst part is when a minor is exposed to adult images and porn. When something like this happens parents aren’t educated enough to decipher who’s the victim here. Who’s provoking this? This leads to a child feeling they’re the victim when they’re not. Parents need to learn about this – they’re our guardians and we don’t know how to handle it.”
“Adolescents’ brains are still developing and they’re prone to impulsive behaviour,” explains Jorgensen. “They don’t realise the consequences of sending these images to someone. You may delete it on your side, and they may promise to delete it on theirs, but you don’t know that same image is being sent to 10 others, that become 20, that become 100 and more. They don’t realise that even if something is deleted, there’s always going to be a permanent record out there.
“What’s the highest form of validation for a developing girl? Sexual validation. And when they post pictures of themselves posing in suggestive photos, they don’t realise these platforms are frequented by older men, although in the case of certain girls that is even stronger validation. For them it’s often about how many likes and shares they’re getting.”
There are so many layers to adolescents, in particular, and social media. Simply seeing others who they perceive as having the perfect body, which goes with their perfect glamorous online life, is adding massively to the already high occurrence of eating disorders. “So many young people follow these accounts and do self-comparisons, followed by googling how to lose weight and even how to starve yourself thin,” adds Jorgensen.
Social media is relentless, and we’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg right now, Lurie feels. When you already have teen hormones raging out of control and then add social media bullying, a parent’s life is made even harder. “Teens need to know who they are in today’s world. They want their parents to be proud of them, to think of them in a certain way, and suddenly you’re faced with this massive shame that you don’t want anyone to know about. Even though parents assure their kids they can talk to them about anything, for the teen it’s the most heart-wrenching, inconceivable thing to share.”